Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
