Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
