So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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