I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
