So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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