I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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