Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i love accidental penises.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
