If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
