Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
