mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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