I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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