Your dad touched me again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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