that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
