I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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