It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
