Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
