if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
