I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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