I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
