It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have aggressive nipples.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
