well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
