I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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