Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
