i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
