apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
