Already got asked if we're dating
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
