you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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