You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
