I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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