I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
