You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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