Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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