Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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