she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
