i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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