Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
