I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
