Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
