i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
