I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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