So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
