i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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