so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
