I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
