I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
