did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
