please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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