shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize