Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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