If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
