i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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