You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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