I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
