i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
