Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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