Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
