There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
