Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
