Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
