Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
