his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
