im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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