I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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