I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
