I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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