The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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