Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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