When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
