Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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