He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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